Need.

I love (some) poetry, so naturally I follow some poetry pages on Instagram…and when I “explore” other pages, it shocks me at the essence of what most people write about.

They speak of NEEDING someone. They speak of an indescribable pain when said person is not around, of the agony and physical/mental/spiritual disability that takes place without that person and how much they are NEEDED.

And it worries me. How does that sound pretty or romantic, to make your entire essence and well-being depend on someone else or their actions?

That NEED is not for that person, that NEED and vacancy, that emptiness… it roots to your lack of love for yourself, so naturally you seek it exteriorly.

What if those poems, instead of being directed to this person you “love” (is it even love? Attachment and obsession are not love)… You direct them to you instead? Because you NEED you… A life without your own presence within you IS agonizing, because you will be searching for that love in all the wrong places.

Reevaluate what the true root of the problem is, there is no one you NEED apart from yourself. The people you choose to add happiness to your life are there for that reason… Not to replace the one you can’t give yourself.

Train of Thought

I see this picture of Vestfold in Norway. And my mind rushes to the photographer (Trond Topstad). And to where he was standing, this human being… this human being was standing on top of this surface, with the clouds beneath him as the tops of the boulders peeked through them. This is a human being, flesh and bones, that has visited this place, that has been in front of this surreal view. And then my mind rushes to all the other magnificent places we have on Earth. And how blessed I have been to have had so many of these moments at the age of 25.

And then all the little petty problems fade away. The little feelings of discomfort of things that really, are the size of an ant compared to the beauty this world, this life, holds. And then my mind rushes to how insanely easy it is to live life through a microscope, focusing and giving so much magnitude to the little pebble in your shoe. People live their entire lives focusing on this little pebble in the shoe. I am guilty of this at times. Sometimes, it is a good reminder to put away that microscope, step out of the pebble, and look at your shoes. Look at the ground they are standing on. Keep looking further back and step out of your body, and look at where your body is placed right now, in perspective to this earth. Think of the ground you are standing on, and how it could very much be the ground in Vestfold, Norway.

Heart & Brain

This type of brain. This type of brain parallels fear and walls. It is the brain of complacency, the one that makes sure innate colors never show. It is ruled by fear of judgement, and even as the heart and the mind are about to explode with emotions, what comes out of the mouth is moot. There is no true release.

But then there is also a different type of brain, one of the rarer kinds. The raw, this-is-who-I-am brain; the brain that understands the importance of the heart’s voice, the one with certainty with who the person truly is- even if there are flaws. The brain that is self-aware.

What we forget sometimes is that we are human beings. Made of flesh and bone; we feel. Being human is beautiful, do not hide all that resides in you. Transparency is key to showing your true self to the world. Get to the point where you are proud of who you are presenting to the Universe.

Porcelain Soldiers

My first poem ever intended to be performed. I hope you enjoy ❤

Porcelain Soldiers
By Laura Buitrago

Have you ever met someone with a hardened heart?
With a heart so hard, that when you get up close, and knock, just to check on vital signs,
Your knuckles start to bleed because it feels like you have been knocking on the bricks that make up the Wall of motherfking China.
But did you know, that you're not knocking on bricks?
No, you're not knocking on the Wall of China.
You are knocking on tiny little porcelain soldiers,
Tiny little shaking soldiers ready to fight back..
…the moment you knock a little too hard.
Because a hardened heart is nothing but a sign of cowardice.
Because it takes a hell of a lot of strength to have a tender heart after it has been confused with a baseball.
After it has been hit time, and time again by that one player determined to make it to the Big Leagues, using your heart as their favorite ball.
Because it takes a hell of a lot of courage to understand that the next person does not deserve an ounce less of your love,
And that sometimes, the heart breaks so that it can expand.
And you will make sure that the next person is not interested in making it to the Big Leagues, but in sharing Big Dreams with you instead, treating your heart like it actually beats.

Courage

Courage I.

When your heart is hardened, that is a sign of weakness,

not strength.

It takes courage and a hell of a lot of strength to love just as intensely, if not more, after experiencing pain. So, be brave. Be brave and know it is okay to take time to heal. Just make sure the wall you built as your defense mechanism does not feel like home, but more like a temporary guest while you

get

back

on

your

feet.

Courage II.

You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. If you do decide to give meaning to situations or day-to-day things, you get to decide what meaning to give these said things.

“A wall.”

What comes to mind when you think of a wall? Give that some thought.

Naturally, a wall is usually seen a tool of protection through blockage or avoidance. But what if you change its meaning to something more proactive, with a bigger purpose?

Allow this temporary wall that you have built after pain to be a way to channel that energy into self love, into understanding how you work, into self-awareness and into growth.

Re-define “pain” and “hardship” and do not let all that suffering be in vain, but learn from it and use it as a tool to grow, instead.

Courage III.

Do not avoid. Face every single feeling, no matter how much you have tried to forget. Write it down, sing it, paint it, whatever. Do something with it so it exits that small corner in your heart

and your mind

and your ego.

Be proud of how far you have come. It is only then that you can truly get to know yourself; when you give yourself the chance to forgive yourself for all the pain you allowed within you and maybe even inflicted onto others.

Courage IV.

Compassion takes courage.

Compassion

Never has a word ever granted me such peace. Allow me to rephrase that- never has the meaning, timing and significance of a word impacted me so directly and intensely.

The teaching at 7:30PM onThursday, May 21st was the Universe aligning with me, leading my way through a sea of hurt, confusion, conflict, contradiction.

How would you define compassion? Pause and think about what this word means to you.

Compassion.

Compassion is a father wishing with all of his strength to have his daughter’s late stage Cancer so she does no longer have to suffer. Compassion is wishing to take his daughter’s suffering away, even if it means he would have to feel it himself.

Compassion is understanding suffering, really understanding it- from the bottom of your being. From your core, from your soul.

Compassion is not a rich man giving a poor man a Ferrari. The rich man wants to help, but has not taken the time to understand the  extent of the poor man’s suffering to see that what they need is not a luxury car, but food, shelter, maybe even love instead. The rich man is thinking about what he would want if he were sad, and applying it as everyone’s desire.

Compassion takes willingness to grasp the depths of others’ suffering.

That idleThursday, the first meditation consisted on recognizing a sort of cloud of smoke in our chest- which symbolizes hurt, anxiety, confusion, any bad feelings or states of mind. Recognizing it, identifying it and visualizing it. After I am done explaining the meditation, I encourage you to do it as well. Close your eyes and focus on the world around you disappearing, and you are surrounded by a white, infinite space full of light.

Breathe in deep. Exhale with strength.

Each breath in is clear, white light, and each breath out takes along with it a little bit of that dark smoke. Breathe in light to replace that pain, that hurt, that smoke. Focus on breathing and focus on cleansing.

Imagine that light throughout your entire body, and that smoke leaving your heart with each breath.

Now envision someone that has hurt you deeply. That person might hurt others, that person might hurt themselves, that person might not know another way to live. But that person, just like all of us, has all the seeds necessary for compassion, for love, for forgiveness, for peace. We all have the tools necessary, but only some of us plant them and grow them, some of us do not understand them.

I think this adds so much beauty to life- these tools, these seeds… they are there for us, and throughout our journey we discover these different seeds within us that might have seem so foreign the week before. And we nurture them. And we water them, and they plant growth within us. They grow and become intricate, intimate designs of what we have created to be who we are. They feel like different colors, like different shades and shapes, and they slowly construct us.

But enough about seeds.

Focus on this person, and think of their cloud… envision the suffering and hurt that has brought them to this point. We all have our pasts- but in this moment, think of that person’s pain.

Now think of the position of your heart in your breathing body. Imagine it being this beautiful crystal full of all the light you just received. Now envision a shell around it, almost like hard, dry charcoal. This symbolizes your ego, your self cherishing.

This person is still in front of you. Feel their past, imagine the agony. And breathe their pain in, their smoke. Be the father with the terminally ill daughter.

The moment you breathe in this smoke, it will touch the charcoal shell. The moment they touch, a part of that shell is broken off. They eventually cancel each other out. Absolute Zero. Your selflessness in truly wanting that person free of that suffering is the only way to truly heal, as a world. What if we all did that for each other?

Imagine that person filled with joy, and the weight that they have been carrying all along has been finally lifted- because you liberated them through compassion.

How beautiful is that? How does that not draw a smile on your face..

I entered the temple confused, angry, hurt, deceived, and craving some sort of healing. What I thought would take months- the stages that I would have to go through to help me understand- took the right words, love and intention at the exact time I would absorb every color of their meaning in the matter on one hour and a half.

I hope this will do the same for you- and do not confuse a Ferrari with compassion (that would have made no sense at the beginning of this entry!).

Why I’m Not “Good People”

Because “good” is something that you make the decision to do every second of every day, not something that you acquire and then use as a shield.

Jenny's Library

I’m not a nice person.

I’m not a good person.

I’m not a kind person.

This isn’t to say that I don’t ever try to be any of these three things.  I do, especially the last two.

It’s more to say that, for me, surviving in this cissexist, racist, ableist, heteronormative, classist, often fucked up world of ours has involved rejecting the idea that “good” and “bad” are static states of being.  I will never be a “good person” because, to me, “good” is not something that you achieve.  It’s an ongoing process that never ends.

It is, in fact, almost impossible not to be doing bad things as well as good when you are human and therefore flawed.  Especially when you are part of a messed up system, as we all are.

This, to me, is why it’s important to call out bad behavior, or hurtful language, or even…

View original post 687 more words